How to Build Connections with Meaningful Questions

Video transcript

Today I wanted to talk about the kind of questions that you ask on a date and whether they are serving you effectively. If you struggle to get a second date, if you get told continually that there was just no spark with the person, then this video is probably going to help you.

If you look at my other videos, you can see that I spend a lot of time talking about being present and being with the other person when you’re on the date. It’s no good to just show up. You can’t just be physically there. You have to be mentally there as well.

A relationship is about creating a bond between two people. If you have stuff going on in your head, if you’re worrying about what drink shall I get next, how long shall I stay, is this person liking me, why am I so nervous, what questions do I ask, if that stuff is going on in your head, you’re not fully there and present with the other person.

What happens is people go to dates in that state and then the other person is talking. They might say something like, “I’ve just started a new job. It’s my first week and I’m really loving it.”

Because we’re not fully there, we go for the easy option. We’re not really listening to the person, so we might say something like, “Where do you work now?”, or “Where did you used to work? When did you move jobs?”

These are very easy questions to ask. You don’t really have to put much effort or thought in it. A ten year old would probably ask those kinds of questions. They’re very logical, they’re very fact based. What I want you to try and do when you go on the next date is to move away from those and more into emotional and feeling type questions.

This is where the spark comes from. It’s part of the reason where the spark comes from. I believe people when they get told they haven’t created the spark, it’s because they haven’t connected on an emotional level, part of the reason, and the other reason is they haven’t created enough attraction in the other person.

You got the attraction phase of getting someone to actually like you and being attracted to you whether that be physically or mentally, but that’s not enough. You have to show them that you actually care about them and you’re interested in their lives. That’s where the second part of the spark comes from.

Again, I’d encourage you to ask more emotionally and feeling based questions.

If someone said to me, “I just moved jobs and I’m really enjoying it.” I might say, “What is it specifically that you like about that job, the new job. What made you decide to move jobs?”

Notice how these questions are different.

It’s not logic, where do you work now, here’s the definite answer. It’s more about the reasoning the person went through as to why they decided to do the thing they did.

What is their motivation? What is their drive?

It’s almost like the facts are up here. The emotion and drivers and values of the person are the next level down. The further you can go down, the more you’re going to spark interest in that other person because they won’t necessarily have been asked these kinds of questions. It makes them really think about themselves and it shows them that you’re interested in them.

Guess what, if you show interest in them, they’re going to show interest in you. That probably means you get a second date, or a third date or so on. You’ve got to be careful when you’re asking these questions.

You don’t ask these questions straight away when you meet the person because you’ve got to have built a certain amount of rapport. If you dive straight in with quite deep questions like that, the person might not be comfortable opening up with you yet. They don’t know who you are. They’ve just met you.

They don’t know what you’re going to do with that information. They haven’t sized you up correctly. I would do this once we’ve settled down, once we’ve got to the bar, wherever we’re going to have our first date, maybe once we’ve got a drink, and then go into this five, ten minutes in. Again, you don’t have to take a long time, but wait till you’ve got a bit of rapport going and then start going to these kinds of questions.

A date is not all about you, especially guys. It’s not all about you. If you just rabbit on about your job, how successful you are, how much money you have, yeah, sure there’s some people that are attracted to that, but most aren’t. That’s really not what it is about. Dating is about creating a human connexion with someone else and listing off your character traits is not the best way to connect with someone else. I would recommend that you don’t talk so much on dates. When you ask more personal questions and questions that go beyond the fact level and take you into a deeper place, it’ll take longer for the person answering the question to answer that.

The worst thing you can do at that point, and something that will absolutely kill rapport and ruin your chances of getting another date is to one, be judgemental of their answers. Do not judge their answers, even if you strongly disagree with them and what they’re saying, you don’t have to say it straight away. You don’t have to make that known to them. Just try and listen to them with a non judgemental attitude.

The second thing is don’t interrupt them. All too often we’re quick to jump in with, “Me too.” They’ll say, “I’ve just taken up swimming.” “Me too. Do you know what? I just signed up with this amazing pool. It’s so warm. They got a sauna and a jacuzzi. I go there every week. It’s absolutely amazing.”

You’ve just shut down that other person.

The other person was all ready to open up and describe these amazing feelings and emotions. You could have really got into why they wanted to sign up and why they wanted to try swimming, but instead, you’ve shut them down. You’ve jump in with your story. Do you know what? They don’t really care. Even though there’s a similarity there, they don’t care because they didn’t get a chance to tell their side of it first.

So listen to them. Hold back the questions. Hold back the “Me Toos”. Wait for them to finish what they’re saying and really finish. You can see it in someone’s eyes when they haven’t finished. Like I’m doing now. If I’m like this, I’m thinking about what I’m saying. If I pause, it doesn’t mean I’m finished. It just means there’s something going on internally in my head and I’m thinking about what I’m going to say next.

If someone pauses, it doesn’t mean you should stop listening. You listen to the words they’re saying and their body language as well. They will make it clear to you when they have finished speaking or finished thinking.

At that point, you can start to explore what they said or you can come in with a, “Do you know that’s interesting because you’re never going to guess this. I actually signed up for a swimming club the other day.”

Tthe longer you can leave it between doing that me too and them talking about something, the more chances you have of building rapport.

If they go on about ten minutes about swimming and you’ve held off saying, “I really love swimming too.” When it does come your chance to speak, they will be thankful. They will know in their head that you could have jumped in at any time.

They will be grateful to you for giving them the opportunity to talk and not interrupt them. They will realise you’re socially savvy. That is the kind of thing that’s attractive.

There it is. Listen to people, don’t be judgemental, be very present when you’re listening to someone when you’re on the date. Try and move away from those surface level fact based questions more into emotional and feeling based questions.

When you do that, you’ll start to increase your chances of getting the next date because you will have bonded at a deeper level with someone than just by asking the superficial questions where they know that you don’t really care about them and you’re not really paying attention to them.

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