How To Get Him To Commit

Every day you and a friend exchange presents. You always put a lot of care and thought into the present you give, and spend about £50. Your best friend however doesn’t do as much work. He always opts for something that costs under £5.

The first few days you are a little annoyed. Why does he keep doing this? Doesn’t he see how much effort I am putting in for him? Why is he giving me these cheap gifts?

By day ten nothing has changed and you are fuming. You’ve spent £500 and he’s only spent £50. How is this fair you ask yourself?

On the eleventh day you erupt. You tell him exactly what you think of him and how unacceptable it is he is giving you such poor quality gifts, and that you expect him to make up for it tomorrow with the best gift ever.

He stares blankly at you, and says “I’m sorry, but we didn’t set rules about what the budget was for the gifts. You chose to spend £50 on me everyday. I didn’t ask you to. There’s no point shouting at me, I’m simply not going to spend that amount of money on you every single day”.

Playing the game a little differently

Now suppose, you played the game a little differently with a new friend. This time you spend just £2 on your first gift to him. He returns the favour by buying a small gift for you costing £3. The following day you spend £5 on him, and he spends £5 on you.

As on it goes, each investing the same amount of money in each other, with one person or the other occasionally testing the water by buying a slightly more expensive gift. After 30 days of this game you are both spending £50 on each other and feeling happy doing so.

If you haven’t guess it by now, this is an analogy for two very different styles of dating.

If as a women you invest much more of your time, mental energy, sexual energy or money into a man than he is investing in you, you end up in a situation where you are unhappy and he is not willing to commit because there is absolutely no incentive to do so. He will keep taking your investment of £50 and only responding with £5.

This is a mistake which often happens due to differences in chemical makeup of the genders. Post sex, women release higher levels of Oxytocin which promote empathy, bonding and trust. In men, we do release oxytocin but it is in much smaller does. Instead we get a hit of dopamine, which is highly addictive and makes us want to see more of you, but not necessarily commit to you.

The result?

Women tend to fall for a man harder and faster than he falls for them.

At this point, you double down and begin investing EVEN MORE time and energy into the man in the hopes of getting him to commit. You might try and spend all your time with him to ensure he doesn’t see other women. You might stop him going out with his male friends. You might get angry and start an argument with him, laying down an ultimatum that unless he changes you are leaving.

None of these actions are going to make the guy commit to you. In fact, they do exactly the opposite. They make him wonder what would happen if they DID commit to you.

Would you be a possessive, jealous, argumentative girlfriend who stops him having fun?

So what’s the solution?

It’s really quite simply. You need to be the present giver who starts off small to test the water. Only invest small amounts of your time and energy into a man, and see how he responds.

Regularly take steps back and asses the situation with your head, rather than your heart. It is all too easy to become lost in the excitement of new love and have your judgment clouded.

Don’t always be the one giving the more expensive gift. Give him the opportunity to invest in you. The more we invest in something, the more we want it.

By giving him the opportunity to invest in you, you are generating small acts of commitment, which build over time.

By the time you get to the stage where you have decided you like him and want a long term relationship with him, he is also at that stage, no pleading, begging or persuading required.

In fact, if you get this right, he’ll probably be the one asking you to be his girlfriend before you ask him.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *