Why “Just Be Yourself” is Terrible Dating Advice

“Just be Yourself.”

Is this good dating advice?

I don’t think so, and I’m going to give you three reasons why not.

1: It’s not actionable

You’ve tried being yourself and it just isn’t working. Sure, you could continue plodding along feeling lonely and frustrated, and you might just get lucky and meet someone special, but who knows how long that is going to take.

What good is telling someone to just be themselves going to do. It doesn’t give them direction, or help them formulate and action plan.

2: It’s not responsible

What other areas of life would we give this advice to people?

  • You’re unemployed? Oh, it’s alright, just be yourself and you’ll get a job.
  • You don’t have any friends? Oh, it’s alright, just be yourself and you’ll make friends.
  • You keep failing exams? Oh, it’s alright, just be yourself and eventually you’ll pass.
  • You don’t have any hobbies? Oh, it’s alright, just be yourself and you’ll magically take up some hobbies.

Sounds absurd, right?

And yet we continue to dish out this advice to singletons who are struggling.

You are looking for someone amazing to attract into your life. And they want the same thing. So why would they settle for someone who isn’t willing to work on improving all areas of their life.

  • You should be working on getting fitter and healthier.
  • You should be working on finding a job you love.
  • You should be striving to find your passions in your life.
  • You should be attempting to live the most positive, fun life you can.

All of this takes work, and requires you to TRANSFORM and GROW.

The same is true when dating. If something isn’t working for you right now, you have to take responsibility for that. It is something you are doing. The only common factor when you’ve dated 10, 50 or 100 people and haven’t found someone you like is YOU.

3: What is your Self anyway?

Our Self is made up of our experiences, beliefs and values, which then manifest themselves into as thoughts, emotions and behaviours.

You are not the same person you were 5 years ago. You’ve experiences many things in that time which have moulded you into who you are now.

On a daily basis you will express different facets of your Self depending upon the situation you are in. How you act around you friends is different to how you act around your work colleagues or family.

You wouldn’t tell someone who is going for a job interview to ‘just be themselves’, you would tell them to wear a suit, keep their answers succinct, properly write their CV, shake hands firmly and practise answering commonly asked interview questions.

Why? So that they present the version of their selves which is most likely to get them that job.

The same is true of dating. To meet, attract and keep your perfect partner you have to:

  1. Know what is attractive to the opposite sex.
  2. Do work on yourself to be able to present those qualities to them.

I think what people actually mean when they say just be yourself is ‘don’t compromise your morals or values’ in order to meet someone, which I agree with.

But that is so different to ‘just be yourself’.

From now on, stop just being yourself, and instead take active steps to improve those areas of your Self which a partner will find attractive.

As a heterosexual man you should be showcasing your:

  • Style
  • Leadership
  • Dominance
  • Kindness
  • Status
  • Mission
  • Passion
  • Humour
  • Decisiveness
  • Humility
  • Strength of will

As a heterosexual woman you should be showcasing your:

  • Softness
  • Playfullness
  • Joy
  • Compassion
  • Humour
  • Care giving
  • Femininity
  • Humility

These are the qualities which are attractive to the opposite sex, and create a polarity between the masculine and feminine.

It doesn’t mean you can’t posses all the attributes in the other gender’s list. You most certainly can. But you should play down those parts of your Self when interacting with someone who is a potential partner.

Learn how to display these traits and your success at dating and relationships will improve dramatically.


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